Clips of Humor, Wit, and Wisdom from Lockport's Clip Smith.
Life goes a little easier, a little brighter...when we pause...
For each week's Comment from The Clipper!
Didja hear that Bill and Hillary have issued their own junk bond. It has no interest and no principal.
Now that 'W' has fallen off his bike, will he grow a handlebar mustache?
We hear John Kerry's telephone answering machine has no message
Since Kerry's wife is heiress to the Heinz condiment fortune, does that mean her husband will have to play ketchup in the presidential race?
Old ClipPings
Remember when Lloyd Hughes was the best baseball pitcher in town?
When Gascoyne's Dairy had triple dip ice cream cones for a quarter?
When Kathy Roberts was the secretary at DeSales?
And when Ahmad and Nawal Abdallah ran the local chain of McDonalds. Now their son Amir is a world champion kickboxer---and yet McDonalds never sold uh, punch!
5-30-04
If Martha Stewart goes to prison, will she do a talk show using her uh, cell phone?
Will the domestic diva describe her new prison cell block as a 'gated community?
Will Martha tell prison officials she can't prepare a fresh Christmas dinner because her goose is already cooked?
And will Martha whip up a new health conscious fruity dessert for the inmates called 'felon melon?'
Old ClipPings
Remember when Beaver Frombgen was a big cheerleader for DeSales?
When Pegelow was the distributor for Blatz and O'Keefe beer in Lockport?
When Beth Crossett was a hot handed hoopster for the Lady Lions?
When Babe Corson used to walk her miniature schnauzers down Willow Street?
And when Sgt. Buck Buchanan was an LPD detective.
His favorite was to hold up his hand and quip, 'Wait a minute, lad. Nobody passes the
buck!
3-15-04
Just Wondering...
If you get caught talking in the library, do they throw the book at you?
Do most cops have arresting personalilties?
Are liberal dudes like John Kerry the reason the Democrats' symbol is a jackass?
Since Kerry's wife is worth 900 million dollars, should they be known as Cash and Kerry?
If the new Holiday Inn features Playgirl revues, should it be called the Paris Hilton?
Old ClipPings
Remember when Johnny Schoonens was a literal one-man-band at Brauer's Tavern in Pendleton?
When Gini Doolittle was a strong voice on the Lockport Board of Education?
When Jake Forset manned the middle for the LHS hoop Lions?
When Judge Hannigan and Sheriff Villella were teenagers working at Reids?
And when Charlie 'Barrelhead' Foster was Sixth Ward alderman?
His motto was "my house is open 24-7 and so is my mouth!"
3-3-04
Why did the president spend Thanksgiving
with the troops in Iraq? Should't T-day be spent in uh, Turkey?
Was Saddam Hussein underground because he thought it was a hole-y day?
Since presidential hopeful Howard Dean is from Vermont, should he be taken for granite?
With all of that rain out west, were emergency crews flooded with calls?
Old ClipPings
Remember when...Carol Cole and Nancy Fuller loved to get pie-eyed at Sisleys Tea Room?
When Air Force Major Dan Di Maggio was a super jock at LHS?
When Bill Oakes was the boy scout exec for the old Lewiston Trail Council?
And when Jim Harrer was police chief at Harrison's?
His son Bob became a state trooper and grandson Brian is a sheriff's deputy.
Talk about arresting personalities!
Just wondering...
If Iraq is really using suicide donkey carts, are they weapons of ass destruction?
Is it true that the only thing unusual cops found at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch was girls?
I know adults have to pay admission at the ranch but do you think kids get in for free?
If Saddam Hussein had tried to crash Dubya's turkey dinner with the troops, would George have told him to stuff it?
Old ClipPings
Remember when Ken Fuller was Supt. of schools?
When Les Warwick ran a market at Walnut and Washburn?
When Father Fabian Maryanski was Asst. Pastor at St. Joe's?
When Donna White was the cutest girl on Green Street?
And when Judge Frank Kronenberg drove around in a rare '81 Imperial.11-29-03
Will Dave’s baby always wear his dad's Letterman sweater?
Will the Palace Theater honor fund chairman George fritz with a performance? Of 'Lord of the Rings?
Does Lockport’s new mayor get his lunch at mighty Tuck-o?
Does biker/alderman Scott Coercion wear a Handlebar mustache?
Old ClipPings
Remember when Donna White was the best pianist at North Park?
When Gene Archie and Lloyd Laura were Lockport’s top drummers?
When Roy Simons played bass at the UAW hall?
And when Inis Grassi would host dances at his Lox Plaza Hotel and
your dad would tell you to stay out of rooms six and nine!
At least my dad did!
11-8-03
Does Arnold Schwarzenegger like to lift a dumbell or is he a dumbell?
Is former wrestler and Governor Jesse Ventura now in a holding pattern?
Is it me or does Arnold's wife Maria look like vampira?
Is it true that Arnold and Jesse dressed up for Halloween as a horse? Jesse was the front
end of the horse and Arnold was just himself!
Old ClipPings
Remember when....Warwick's store was at Washburn and Walnut?
When Queen-O Lemon Lime was Lockport’s favorite soda pop?
When Shannon Griffin was our junior miss?
When Jane Benson was a DeSales faculty favorite?
When Joe Scott was a Lowertown alderman?
And when the Haley brothers Paul and Dave were city tennis champs? Talk about uh, serving
the community!
10-26-03
If the mayor of Seattle gets his proposed ten per cent coffee tax, is that
grounds for dismissal?
Are gourmet coffee gifts for corporate execs considered to be perks?
If police pursued a coffee thief at NCCC would that be called a chase in Sanborn?
Is a young cow who likes coffee known as a 'd' calf?
Old ClipPings
Remember when Grace Fox was the queen of the sales staff at the Union Sun?
When Karen Sandusky was the best clarinetist at the high school---or so her dad said?
When Emmit Sullivan was Hartland Supervisor?
When Tall's Grocery was on Plank Road near the wastewater treatment plan?
When Mrs. Revelas made the best hot fudge sundaes in the world at The Royal downtown?
And when Dike Henning ran the UAW hall like a drill sergeant---He always used to keep his
eyes on your fries---
especially the ones we used to filch from the kitchen when Jimmy Sansone and I used to
play gigs there.
Dike acutally took five cents out of my pay for each fry we ate---talk about small
potatoes!
If dogs now get cat scans, howcum cats dont get dog scans?
Howcum most dogs dont eat the 'bark' on trees?
If a mother gives birth to triplet pups after 6pm, is that considered a three dog night?
Why don't more golden retriever owners call their dogs Molson?
Do most chemists at the hershey plant own chocolate labs?
Old ClipPings
Remember when....Dan Stoll was named most
likely to recede in the DeSales class of 1978?
When Anita Heary was the best girl jock in Lockport?
When Sailor Burke was the most recognizable man downtown--bar none?
When Bing Miller was a County Legislator from Royalton?
And when Tuck Whitcomb was playing racquetball into his eighties at the 'Y'
---just watching him was enough to drive younger opponents off the wall!
9-18-03
Why do so many people who fish along the canal have the same 'perch' every time?
Are a lot of those fishermen who sip beer while angling stewed to the gills?
Do some dudes fish just for the halibut?
If I write any more fishing jokes will you start to carp at me?
Old ClipPings
Remember when Mickey Litz had the sneakiest fastball in the Midget
League?
When Mickey's cousin Dave---also a pitcher---was known as Chick Litz?
When Pat lLtz was the most stylish beautician in Lockport?
And when Eddie Litz was the best bowler at Allie Brandt's and was forever
practicing in his spare time?
9-5-03
Howcum we had a major blackout in America but we're paying millions to
restore air conditioning in Iraq?
Does it make sense to have a recall vote in California when most residents can't recall
who most of the candidates are?
Why isn't actor Gary Coleman considered a viable California candidate whe he's already on
the uh, short list?
Why wasn't a Lockport firm like Mrs. Ribs allowed in the Taste of Lockport when a
winery from Cambria was? Personally, I'd rather have dibs on the ribs than wine from
the vine.
Old ClipPings
Remember when Pete Burke had a popcorn stand on the corner in Olcott?
When a Baltimore belle named Esta Dunn became one of Lockport's best looking ladies?
When Lenora Harris was director of the local Red Cross chapter?
When Blandings was a downtown diner?
When Marc Parada was the best golfer at LHS and later owned Big Ben's Restaurant
on Route 31 at Sandpit Road
And when Ken Penvose was Starpoint's first hoops hero when the school opened in 1958.
8-25-03
Now that we've nailed Saddam Hussein's two sons, is our next mission in
Iraq to 'bag dad?
Do you think hoops hero Kobe Bryant's conviction on sex assault charges will be a slam
dunk?
Is the idea of a casino in Cheektowaga near the airport gonna fly?
Is Lerch and Daly going to be closed or clothesd?
Old ClipPings
Remember when...Aptly named Hattie Harmony was Lockport's best piano
teacher?
When Rocky Pease was one of the Reid's regulars behind the counter and the grill?
When Marilou Toth was an ace reporter for the Union-Sun
When Fuller's Grocery was at Prospect and Green?
When Carolyn Jack was the best looking girl at LHS?
When Jack Case was the hearthrob stud at Newfane Central?
And when Paul Crane was an all Catholic gridder for the De Sales Knights and later became
a sheriff's deputy
-----that long arm of the law also helped him on the football field.
Is the best alcoholic cure for constipation a drink mixed with vodka and prune
juice?---It's called a "pile driver."
If you mix a salt solution with a pop singing star do you get Saline Dion?
When geese get acne are they called goose pimples?
And do patients give their chiropractors a lot of back talk?
Old ClipPings
Remember when.....Lou Dickerson was the county Ag Agent?
When Father Tye was principal of DeSales?
When Diana Smith was Fourth Ward Alderwoman?
When Sal Galtieri owned S and S TV?
When Jimmie Musto was the best catcher in the Midget League?
When Fred Niland was city Fire Chief?
And when former Mayor Mike Shanley drove a pretzel truck
---no wonder he's always had such a twisted sense of humor!
7-21-03
When George Dubya went to see the elephants, did he stow his gear in their
uh, trunks?
Did Dubya think the African bush was related to him?
When Dubya mentions Liberians, did he really think his wife used to be one?
Is it true the only Liberian word Dubya knows is shhhhhh?
Does Dubya really think the capitals of South Africa are S and A?
Old ClipPings
Remember when Charlie Wendel was the top trombonist at LHS?
When the Cacioppo family ran the former Thiele's Dairy and Bakery in the West End?
When Lottie Gallagher was one of Lockport's top realtors?
When Bill Kennedy was the head custodian at North Park?
When Joe Scott was Second Ward Alderman
And when Jack Wagner played piano with a group called The DeMolay Four Plus One?
I was the one and and the while we didn't get paid, the food cooked by the Eastern Star
ladies
was worth more than any money!
7-12-03
Is a hair stylist guaranteed a permanent position?
Do candle makers only work on wick-ends?
Do battery repairmen get a charge out of their job?
Is it true that old accountants never die---they just lose their balance?
Old ClipPings
Remember when...Buehring's Store on Spalding Street had those
hard-to-find lime popsicles?
When Newfane's Roy Ives was a smooth-voiced announcer at WUSJ?
When John Fuerch bossed the boards for the LHS cage lions?
When Father Tom Smith was the music man at DeSales?
And when gregarious assemblyman Rube Altro used to spin political yarns while sharing ice
cream
with the kids at Willow Park---which was later named for him?
6-21-03
When Martha Stewart is asked in a few months what she'll be making this week, will she say
license plates?
Howcum Martha made millions on a book about cooking and now gets arrested for cooking the
books?
What was Hilary and Bill's most touching moment? Probably when she found out he was
touching Monica.
Did Monica get paid under the table for what she did under the table?
Old ClipPings
Remember when little Bobby Hensal was the big name among pitchers in the Midget 'B'
League?
When mild mannered Henry Cyran was a Driver Ed teacher at LHS?
When Florence Thomas was secretary to the Civil Service commission at City Hall?
When Veronica 'Mike' Maslowski used to stage civic events on the banks of the canal at the
foot of Vine St. hill?
When pitcher Bob Costello was known as "the water buffalo" playing for the local
pro team in the PONY League?
6-11-03
Could mad cow disease be cured by sending the mad cows to anger management counseling?
Speaking of boisterous bovines, will those cavorting cows on Market Street find an 'udder'
place to graze?
When the owner of those cows was told he could keep them in the city, was he given a bum
steer?
And since he's very opinionated, do you expect the owner to cow tow to city hall?
Old ClipPings
Remember When....
Carl Herbst was one of Lockport's first cab drivers----he's been behind the wheel for over
45 years?
When Ed layer and Clarence Covell were Mr. Olds and Mr. Buick and the Barton and Engel
dealerships respectively?
When Kelly Stevens helped lead the LHS Lady Lions to a state hoops title in '93?
When Cutz's Lunch was on West Main Street?
When Rev. Victor Mesenbring was pastor of Mount Olive Lutheran?
When Barb Kugler and her cousin Ann Wilkins threw the best high school parties on South
Transit Street?
And when former pro wrestler Teddy Thomas was a county lawmaker from North Tonawanda---
See. That's why his name had such a familiar 'ring' to it!
May 29, 03
If asked whether they ever smoked marijuana, would most people be uh, blunt about it?
O would never smoke one, but if somebody handed me a marijuana cigarette,
would it be called a clip joint?
Do the new anti smoking laws have most bar and restaurant owners fuming?
Would a contest to see who could smoke a cigarette the fastest be called a 'drag' race?
Old ClipPings
Remember when....Scovell Dix was the best infielder in the Midget League?
When Julia Callahan was vocal music director in the local elementary schools?
When Bob Broda managed The Travelers inn on the Transit?
When Jim Nemi and Fran Mc Ihenny were Les Dugan's sideline sidekicks at the DeSales
football games---
and Red Williams was his right hand man?
When Ted Hodges was third ward alderman and later ran the Hodge House?
And when Pete Burke used to sell popcorn on the corner in Olcott Beach.
Talk about a guy who was worth his salt!
5-19-03
Could you tornado proof your home by installing a cyclone fence around it?
If cows were sent up in a space shuttle would they be called the herd shot round the
world?
Do most locomotive engineers have uh, one track minds?
Are most people who live in northern Florida called 'panhandlers?'
Old ClipPings
Remember when Dave Haley was Fourth Ward Alderman?
When Marcia Groff and Barb Taylor were the summer rec leaders at Altro Park?
When A.J. Laux used to feed his pet cocker spaniels a steak every day on Pine Street in
front of his stationery store?
when Ruth Earl earned rave reviews in her first term on the Board of Ed?
And when Bob Scarborough was a hot hoopster for DeSales back in the early fifties---
---every night was a good night for this good knight on the court!
5/13/03
What do Saddam Hussein and his oil have in common---they're both crude!
When sandstorms whirl thru Iraq, is it okay for troops to uh, desert?
Is it true that the poster girl for Iraq oil is Bo Derrick?
When all of that oil was set afire, did Hussein say 'Oh, well?'
Old ClipPings
Remember when...
The Lockport Hotel was at Washburn and Union?
When the Raleigh Hotel was at Walnut and Pine?
When the Park Hotel's restaurant (pictured left)
was called 'The Carriage Shop?'
And when Buffalo dentist Henry Spiller owned The Best Western Hotel? Getting him to spend
money on the place was like, well, pulling teeth!
4-24-03
That 12 year old Alabama kid who married the 42 year old woman---if he
needs an excuse for school, does he ask his mother or his wife?
Just two daily runs for the Lockport
trolley----what's that? A streetcar named too tired?
Has anybody been able to uh, track down that train that's supposed to run from Lockport to
Medina?
With all of those runners jogging along the canal bank, should it be renamed the 'toe'
path?
Old ClipPings
Remember when...Jesse Zeck was Principal of LHS?
When Dot Mooney was one of downtown's leading businesswomen?
When Jim McIlheny was the smallest football player at DeSales?
And when Bill Cornell ran a Dodge dealership on the Transit?
He was a native of Holland and used to call his car deals 'dutch treats!'
4-16-03
Why do airport screeners confiscate passengers' cigar cutters? Do they
think they're gonna circumsize the pilots or what?
Does Saddam Hussein belong to the hare-m club for men?
Why are fines smaller for bar patrons who smoke pot than for bar owners who let patrons
smoke regular cigs?
Do you think the new state smoking laws are uh, ash-inine?
Old ClipPings
Remember when.....Chip Case ran the old City Hall Restaurant?
When Chip was the first player signed by the Buffalo Braves of the NBA?
When Chip's dad, Fred Case was Asst. Principal at LHS and became Niagara County
Undersheriff?
Either way, you didn't want to meet him if you'd screwed up---i mean, he could really get
on your, well, case!
4-5-03
Now that he's been wounded, does Saddam Hussein suffer from IRAQ-tile dysfunction?
With marijuana use banned in the military, how come top brass are known as the 'joint'
Chiefs of Staff?
Is Monica Lewinski's favorite military vehicle a hummer?
Is the difference between 'w' and Saddam simply this? One is a son of a president----the
other a son of a betcha-
you thought I was gonna swear, didn't you?
Old ClipPings
Remember when Jack Maxfield was the music man at Wilson Central?
When Julia Callahan ran the elementary vocal music program in the Lockport Schools?
When Miriam Fatt kept the kids sharp in the choir at Roy-Hart?
And...when Cornelius Gall was the orchestra leader for many years at LHS?
After catching me eating donuts during a symphony that had no tuba part,
he told me I belonged in a circus band cuz I was nothing but a clown!
3/26/03
If the fire hydrant was really invented here, should Lockport get more free uh, plugs?
Did Lockport's William Morgan, the inventor of volleyball have a spike haircut?
Do you think Governor Dewitt Clinton ever planned to 'ditch' the canal?
Did the seven singing Sutherland sisters have long hair cuz they lived in the city of
'locks?'
Old ClipPings
Remember when...
Linda Weaver was the prettiest girl on Price Street--or at least I thought so.
When they sold Buster Browns at the Shoe Shop, corner Main and Elm?
When Mel Hollenbaugh and Eddie Poole were the best auto mechanics in town?
When Hank Sperduti ran South Transit Lanes?
When Mark Leonard was the morning personality on WUSJ Radio?
When Emma Cavalieri was First Ward Alderwoman
And when Twila Prunty was the most fashionable hairdresser downtown
---and she was always guaranteed a 'permanent' job!
3-20-03
Should we build a new swimming pool in one of those potholes at the
McDonald's parking lot?
Howcum KFC always seems to be closed when it's supposed to be open by 11am?
Since Olcott beach doesn't have a KFC is Bye's popcorn another way to have it with the
kernel?
Speaking of Olcott, is the polar bear swim a big dunk or a big drunk?
Old ClipPings
Remember when...
Bob Mayer was a track star at LHS?
When Fred Laskey Sr. was sixth ward Alderman?
When Tina Phillips used to sing with all of the great local bands?
When Jane Benson was on the faculty at DeSales?
And when retired County Judge Chuck Hannigan used to supervise that pop-cooler filled with
ice water at Reids.
In those days it was on the honor system and his honor-to-be, made sure of that!
3-13-03
Is Saddam Hussein's favorite music Iraq and roll?
If Iraq's leader happened to be a woman, would Baghdad be called Baghmom?
Does Hussein smoke uh, Camel cigarettes?
Does Hussein really watch old American TV shows in a bulletproof Archie bunker?
Old ClipPings
Remember when...
There were Mac's Markets on Washington Street and Bewley Parkway?
When Carl Ballerstein was Asst. Super of Lockport Memorial Hospital?
When Bob Broda coached football at DeSales in the mid 80's?
And when Broda's lovely wife, Liz, was Lockport's first belly dancer.
I hear she learned her routine at a navel base!
3-2-03
Are people who eat lots of jellies and jams usually well preserved?
Are lobster fishermen required to have a special 'claws' in their contracts?
When you eat peaches do they tend to uh, cling to your stomach?
Why do emcees at pancake breakfasts often sound syrupy?
Old ClipPings
Remember When...
Newfane's Bill Britt and Wilson's Lynn Sherrie were the big men in N-O high school hoops?
When Lorraine Lauer was the best pianist at LHS?
When Jim Pittard was the cop at Willow Park?
When Grabiec's Tavern at Niagara and Trowbridge had those great Polish ham sandwiches?
And when John Green used to speak at almost every Lockport Common Council meeting---
when he talked about saving dollars, he made a lot of sense!
2-23-03
Was General Tommy Franks considered to be a hot dog during his college days at The Academy?
Are South Korean triips usually referred to as Seoul Brothers?
Are most Middle Eastern troops referred to as well oiled machines?
If we take on the butcher of Baghdad, will we licking our chops?
Old ClipPings
Remember When...
Don Kolek and Shorty Raymond were the dynamic downtown duo?
When Sharon Caisse was the best clarinet player at LHS?
When Little Mo Gustin always came up with the big plays for DeSales football teams?
When Diana Smith was Fourth Ward Alderwoman?
And when Tom Darro was a local radio personality---
He was the other "Tiny Tot of the Kilowatt."
2-17-03
Is the Prudden and Kandt expansion the reason my cell phone goes uh, dead
in the Washburn/Genesee street area?
Is it me or has the cell phone explosion given a lot of callers major hangups?
Why do I think TOPS never stops catering to cell phone users? Some cashiers wish they
would check out in a more permanent fashion!
Do cell phone users trying to call Italy's capital get hit with rome-ing charges?
Old ClipPings
Remember when...
Dom DeFlippo used to bring out fried smelt for his bar customers and you could eat them
like potato chips?
When the Bavarian Kitchen on the Transit where Teletech is now located used to feature
the best wiener schnitzel this side of Munich?
When Pembroke Meadows on Johnson Road had lambs on the grounds and lamb chops on the
plates?
And when Sisleys Restaurant had the best pies on Main Street?
----My brother and I used to get into a big 'rhubarb' over who would get the last slice!
2-05-03
Just Wondering...
Do female Super Bowl offcials wear Z-bras?
When it comes to music, do most phsychiatrists listen to shrink rap?
Do most chiropractors unwind at attitude adjustment hours?
Do most veterinarians camp out in pup tents?
Old ClipPings
Remember when Pete Burke used to sell popcorn all summer in Olcott Beach?
When Don Burke was the Steward at the VFW hall?
When Billy Burke could play second base with one good hand better than other guys could
with two?
And when residents on John Burke's mail route liked him so much they'd
go uh, postal when they saw him coming down the street!
1-25-03
Just Wondering...
Now that Bill Parcells is coaching the Cowboys, will his assistants be
known as tuna helpers?
Will Diana Ross appeal her DWI arrest to the uh, Supremes court?
Will Demo prez candidae Joe Lieberman get GORE-d by others in the race?
Will that new baby manufactured to look like her mother grow up liking treats such as ice
cream clones?
Old ClipPings
Remember when drummer Skip Rose was one of the first minority members of Musicians Local
97
When Thelma Pies was secretary of the Lockport School Board?
When T.J. Donnelly was the master mixologist at the Park Hotel?
When Mrs. Cullen, the Home Ec teacher at LSHS drove one of Lockport's first Edsel cars?
And when Papa Joe's Foodland on West Ave. had the best sauce in town.
And anybody who disagrees is off their uh, noodle!
1-5-02